Open Apology

For whatever reason, today I feel burdened by the weight of contrition. A huge part of my maturation has been about becoming more open; sharing more of what moves me. It would appear that that openness coupled with my belief in the truth manifests itself in a way that looks a lot like aggression or a callousness. Admittedly, I have spent a great deal of time building an image of being "closed". In my mind that 'worked' image has little to do with any actual interpersonal relationship. For as long as my memory is, I would imagine that the select few with whom I would socialize had some clue as to the depth of my compassion. I assumed that, once engaged, people immediately understood my nature. I am naturally one who is willing to recede for the promotion of another's well-being. I am naturally one who is willing hold his tongue for another to save face. At least that's how I see myself; unfortunately, I'm not sure if many would agree. And, the idea that I'm not able to convey my most natural inclinations is painful. And, in that pain, I become more "closed." When I mature, I open and when the openness is misinterpreted I close. Then I get angry and hide; either behind four walls or a quick tongue; which seems to feed folks belief in my insensitivity. Except I am quite the opposite.

This cycle has been one of endless tumbling for me. At my best, I can be magnanimous in ones challenge to who I believe myself to be. At my worst, I feign disinterest as to have some manner of control over the impression I leave; for however much I'm left lonely in such a process. At some point, maybe I'll find a truth that is both true to who I am and palatable to you.